What do you see when you look into my caramel – colored eyes?
This is the question that pops up into my head when I’m talking to my friends. They see so much in side of me, always referring to how I’m striving to be the best.
I know that I say I’m gonna make change and I’ll start with my relationships. Any my friends see it in our interactions. They see me use my space the way I want to, the way I plan on using it.
But what is it exactly they see? Do they see what I imagine?
Do they see a lone occupant inside of an apartment inside an inner city, on the second highest floor of a complex? Do they imagine big windows, allowing all the natural light to bathe my skin, enhancing my cognitive power? Do they imagine the rose-colored sunset start it’s immortal cycle into rest, switching roles into the moon? Do they imagine my lack of possessions? Do they see me with a white board, a really big one, trying to chart out where my brain goes in the sea of by blood and water inside of my body?
Because I can’t.
For starters, my world is upside down. Well, sometimes. It all depends on how I’m feeling at the time. If I feel like I’m annoying, my perspective starts to tilt. And if I know I’m not doing anything helpful, it tips even more. And when I’m at my worst, my world is upside down. Everything I love is falling down, but I’m still stuck to the ground. I’m the only one responsible for my actions, and I’m the reason why everyone’s world is flipping.
On a daily basis, I throw everything I worked for into a fan, at high speed. I watch my miscalculated throw launch my life into impeding danger. I hear everyone’s voices telling me to stop. But I don’t. I throw my life into a metaphorical blender and see how shaved it comes out.
Sometimes it’s fine, and there aren’t any scratches.
Sometimes there’s shaved edges. A touchy subject with a friend. A memory of my employer that they will hold onto. A location I can’t associate with anymore. A life I enabled failure in. A broken heart. You know, the like.
My life isn’t a rose colored vision that everyone sees in my eyes. My perspective is flipped. Everything I do is wrong, and as long as I don’t completely ruin someone’s life, then I see that as a success.
I tell ya, it’s hard to be self-aware of your life. Always thinking of chain interactions. Having every single move in your life weighted with such a burden. Because of yourself. I can’t think straight sometimes because I want to be as efficient as possible.
I know I’m not perfect, nor do I want to be. I like being flawed. But this concept that I think of can’t always connect to my brain nor my heart, all at the same time. I need something. I don’t know what it is but it needs to be convenient. I live a fast lifestyle which is convenient, because I’m here for a good time. Not for a long time.
But these times aren’t even good. Or is that my upside-down thinking getting to me again? I don’t know but I know that I can’t live without my music, that’s keeping me sane.
Let me focus. Let my music be loud. Let my car shake when I’m driving it. Let me blank out. That’s when I can be at my calmest, that’s when I can be me. That’s when all of these ideas can finally connect and make change.
Okay. I know. Don’t milk your emotions. Okay. I’m done. Hopefully forever but we both know what I’m like. I guess I’ll see you in a week.