Blank Slate

I need a blank slate. Not because I want to reset, but because I need to think.

There’s too many voices inside of my head telling me to drive different ways. I have so many requests to go left and right, backwards and forwards. My GPS is glitching out due to static interference.

What I really need is a big white board. And lots of expo markers. One to fill up a wall on my room. I want to write out my ideas. If I can see my ideas, I can plan out my success. I know that I am a visual learner, and that would help out a lot.

There are things that I keep telling myself that I can’t do. I keep believing that I can’t function at the effective that I plan my life to do. I keep telling myself that I can’t love or receive love. I keep telling myself that I’m wasting my time, watching opportunities slip through my hands.

What I’m trying to say is that I need a road map. I need something to show me that I can do it. I know that there are a few factors that come into play that make me either feel or stop me from doing things.

I know that I think about time, which is ironic because that I spend so much time procrastinating. There are a few writers that I want to come in to contact and possibly learn from, but I don’t email them. The email will only take about 5 minutes to write, and maybe 3 minutes to read. I know that it won’t take so long, but for whatever reason I stop and don’t do it. Much like all of the other responsibilities I have in my life.

I know that I feel that I don’t have the energy to do it. Which, sometimes can be true. I know that my sleep plays a big factor to my overall energy levels. Much like today at work. The way that I operate is that I have a certain amount of energy already divided to work and school and friends once I wake up.

If complications come up, like machinery at work not functioning and constant adjustments being made, it makes me more exhausted because I have to fix my brain’s natural wiring. If I’m not connecting with my friend’s energy or if I know that I’m not contributing anything effective, then I get mad and exhausted at myself. If I feel like I can be doing more at school, which is a constant feeling, I become tired and irritated at myself and become self-destructive. The idea of school work is such a negative feeling on my self-esteem, especially in my classes right now because they are all filled with English majors and there is a large background knowledge gap between me and them.

I feel so challenged by them because they research and stuff in their spare time and all I do is listen to my Spotify playlist and go eat out with friends, on good days. On bad days, I lay in bed, lights off, staring at my roof, wondering if every breath I breathe is actually meant for me or if I’m stealing it from someone else.

I’m telling ya, the only reason why I’m striving to be the best is because I believe that I can make change in all this.

I had something with this, but forgot the point I was trying to make. I really do need that white board, huh.

Good night everyone.

-J.E.

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