Amanda, you were right. When faced with adversity or an awesome presence, I talk big talk, but shrink and hurt myself for not being enough.
I’m challenging habits that I spent 10 years making and fixing them to work out my school schedule. People always called me the “golden boy,” the “one who will do it,” the “kid that’ll make those dreams a reality.”
Yet here I am, in my boxers, staring at the ceiling. $3000+ dollars in student loans, textbooks piled high, waiting for me to read them, commitments demanding my attention, and I’m stagnant.
Mentally I think I’m ready, physically I’m on summer vacation, and emotionally I feel like I’m wasting my time. I’m not together, therefore nothing I do is together.
Will never understand what they see in me. So I guess I gotta try and figure it out by doing it. Sure I’ll take a couple of L’s, but I gotta tell my self I can do this.
Even if it’s every single second I repeat it to myself.
“I’ve seen me win these,” I say to myself silently, resisting the urge to give up after every word I write down.
A slow reader + a procrastinator + behind in school = extremely low morale.
They see me win, so I gotta believe I can, too.
Because if I don’t, who will?
– J.E.
Halfway to Forever 