Hypocrite

According to Vocabulary.com’s definition, the word hypocrite is rooted in the Greek word hypokrites, which means “stage actor, pretender, dissembler.” So think of a hypocrite as a person who pretends to be a certain way, but really acts and believes the total opposite.

I am, indeed, a hypocrite. I know that everyone in the world is a hypocrite, in any given sense, but I truly embody this definition. I am an actor, literally. I took four years of theater in high school. Ironically, those guys arguably ruined me the most. I know what it’s like to perform a part, to subvert your emotions elsewhere while your body is doing something else. I’ve seen people do it onto me, and like the puppet learns from the puppeteer, I learn to do onto others. I helped to create this perpetual cycle of inaction.

What made me realize this was last night. I needed space on the Saturday that I am writing this. I closed my world off from my friends and only spent the day with me and my thoughts. And I tried not to act on anything, not to open up Discord to start any calls, not to send any text messages, to stay as invisible as possible. I know that I ignored Alayna for a while, and finally sent a message to her after a bit. Within that time period, she was talking to me about her personal life. I never associated much an idea to understanding about how she feels, despite reading her blog posts. I finally put the pieces, or at least some of them together, yesterday. But in that time of me trying to understand her, I realize that I didn’t need space. I just didn’t want to be bothered at all this weekend.

But what kind of friend does that? What kind of friend says that they don’t want anything to do with you for a whole 24 hours? What kind of person says that they will be there for you, but leaves the second the spotlight isn’t on them anymore? A hypocrite would, and that’s me.

I always get mad at others for not trying to understand me. I always vent to friends how alone I feel around others. I always write from the perspective of the victim, but today, the pen enters the other hand. I write from the role of the abuser, the silencer. I write the words that the accuser spits from their mouth.

I know when I get angry, sometimes it has to do with that person, sometimes it doesn’t, but I try and burn bridges. I can’t tell you how many times I have emotionally detached myself from my partner, Elizabeth, as soon as we got into a heated argument. The fact that I trained myself to flee from someone emotionally says a lot about me, and the speed that those feelings can detach is astonishing. I once lost faith in someone seconds of them refusing to understand my point. As one of my coworkers once said, they’ve seen me go from smiling to frowning in the same sentence.

I know how much care Alayna tries to give me, but I always redirect it. Maybe it’s because I secretly knew I didn’t deserve it as I knew on a subconscious level that I won’t use her emotions correctly. I would just put it on my shelf, in my little room, and bottle it. Maybe I would put a label on it, saying “Alayna tried, 11/24/19,” or maybe I won’t. Maybe I will see this as an attempt for her to learn this about me and hold me hostage. HA! Like that will happen. I’ll do her one better. I’ll detach myself as soon as I feel that I have had enough, then come back later when I need help.

God knows I’ve done this to Elizabeth. I can’t recall how many times that I have emotionally tortured her. Like that one night at my house, where I told her that I would say damaging things to harm her psyche and tell her to leave me alone. I don’t want to have another person in my conscious. I want to only focus on me. I don’t care about others. What’s the point of having friends and support if you aren’t willing to do the same for them?

My poor family. I could literally be the saving grace to save my family. I could stop projecting all of my emotions onto my brother and let him live his life. I can stop trying to have some reason to exercise my dominance on someone who I care about deeply. Why would I want to hurt my own brother? Why do I keep disobeying Dad? He’s looking out for us financially. I already know the poor guy doesn’t sleep at night knowing that his wife is out to get him. He knows that his sons wouldn’t care, as one of them is out self-loathing all day and the other would rather spend time with their friends. And mom, I keep throwing the hate she give me back in her face. It’s like a game of tennis, and the ball is evil. Every time we rally, we attach our personal issues to it, making each swing more malevolent in nature. Hate won’t cure hate, Josh. You know this. You know how much you hate hate. You call yourself a “believer?” You say you “strive to be the best?” The best at what? The best at killing yourself?

We all know why you need space. You need space to think of another reason, to exploit another person. You need space because you backed yourself into another corner yet again. You know that your street smarts and language can only take you so far, so you leach off of someone else, steal their language like in “Shame on You.” Take their smell, wrap it up with yours, and serve it out like a pipping hot sandwich of spite.

Unfortunately for you, while you are an evil piece of scum, you have morals. You want to treat everyone fairly, without discrimination. What you have said in your previous posts are all true. You know that there cannot be good without bad, which is why you are writing this. You are putting your word on the line because you believe in balance. There’s no way scum like you can die off without purging yourself of your sins, so here is step one: recognizing that you have an issue. The issue is that you don’t put enough effort into the things you do.

You are a procrastinator. You don’t know when you started to be one, but you are. Probably in 4th grade, now that I think of it. You used to be on top of everything, but you became lazy. You pinned your inability to do things on others, and it kept getting worse the older you got and the more people you learned. You learned people’s working habits and chose the opposite path of improvement. You learned how people talked and exploited how to use their words against them.

You know that you are a surface level worker. You preach change, but never do anything major to change it. Well, that’s not true, you did with Elizabeth. You didn’t have a choice with her, though. She used her power to stop you. You didn’t think that a woman’s power can overtake yours, but you overestimated yourself. She demanded your effort, and you changed. You love her and support her. How come you can’t give that level of commitment to others?

You know the extent of your power, right Josh? You know how much you changed Elizabeth’s life, right? Why do you keep staying in place? Why do you like the hole that your are in? Do you not know how smart you are? There can be so much change in this world and the people around you if you JUST TRIED! You see how much change is made even with a fake face on. People’s moods change when you don’t even try to make them change. Unfortunately, the more you write, the more people can read through this mask. Why hide your gift of “En” to the world? Not every heart is born from straight darkness. The amount of darkness in your heart is a direct correlation to your light inside of you. If you can hate this much, imagine how much you can love?

But I know that you know the reason why you don’t change. You are afraid of change. You don’t want to waste your energy in something that won’t pay out well. You have such a capitalist mindset. It’s all for your profit. And you don’t even invest correctly. You just spend your days watching your meaningless YouTube videos. You use your same strategies in your fighting games; no wonder why you lose so quickly. If you spent half the time you usually spend self-deprecating, you couldn’t even tell how much that you can improve. You can easily rid yourself of all of these “minor troubles” like your social anxiety by actually putting some backbone inside you for once.

Let this post serve as a reminder that the only one who stops change is the one who doesn’t try. Josh, we both know when you try and when you don’t. And you give up quite easily, my friend. Why? You are about to start University next year. A $25,000+ investment isn’t enough for you to shape up? Are you really going to waste everyone’s breath and energy spreading good word over your name? Are you going to waste Grandma and Grandpa’s blood? The real answer is actually yes, you would, but I won’t let you do that. We are in this for us. We are in this for all of the people who were silenced. This is our “Restriction” on ourselves, to seal away that doubt and our “Pledge” to make change. We vowed as soon as we had power, we would only uplift. We’ve had power since high school. Where is Tida, Josh? Where is Charisse? Where is Kira? Where is Christina? Where are all the countless friends you’ve let down, who entrusted you with their feeling?

You need not to generate the same negative cycle once again. You have all of the answers you are looking for. When someone tells you that your future is going to be a difficult one, why do you smile? When people ask you questions, why don’t you answer? Because the answer isn’t one that you have at this moment, but you will find. You know that the people around you, along with yourself, can make the difference. You know that God gave you so much, so why do you not use it? Fill in those blanks, Josh. We’ve had this conversation too many times.

You have the power, now use it. Answer those questions, save those lives, and most importantly…

Don’t be a hypocrite.

-J.E.