Cloudy Days

I’m gonna be honest guys, I don’t have much creative ideas. School is starting up very soon, and I became an opener and a closer at the coffee shop. We’re prepping for the next semester to also start for the student assistant job as well. Dang it, I also need to go and send my professor an email as well, now that I think about it.

What I’m trying to say is that the more responsibility that I see, the blurrier my writing is. I want to do this for fun, for an escape, for therapy. But I can’t seem to have the time to do so. It’s either the time but no energy, or it’s the energy but no time.

I’m not making excuses, well, that’s what my brain is trying to tell me. I’m sure my anxiety and over-bearing-ness will say different. I keep telling myself that I’m human, I can only do so much.

I started a passion project and I can’t just stop. I’ve been telling people about how much I love to write, and I should be consistent with my interests.

However, where my writing has lacked, I’ve been working on my New Year’s Resolutions.

I’ve been getting back into Japanese, and I’ve been fairly consistent on my brushing up. Not enough to talk, obviously, but enough to remember key words and most of the basic Hiragana from Duolingo. I’m able to work on my refreshment on that language due to the app’s accessibility and interface. I can open it up during a break or when I’m standing in line at school.

I also have changed up my music tastes. I liked Samsa’s vibe, and decided to go off of that. I also decided to fully emerge myself into Rocket League’s music. I’ve developed another playlist, and for it being the 18th day of the year, I have more than 30 songs on it. I really love music guys, you don’t understand. I also resonate with their messages. Rocket League, though, I like their message, but I also like my car shaking and having its base be heard in other cars.

I’ve also started to play League of Legends again. I still have my anxiety with playing against other players, as I was bullied by friends and teammates in Junior year, and that strongly discouraged me to play it again. Alayna is trying to help me get back into it, and even though sometimes I can’t keep myself emotionally together due to the flashbacks and the anxiety of being the reason why we lose, I try to push through it. I started to play Rocket League again, and only play against the computers. My connection isn’t the best to play online just yet. I’m watching practice videos in both games, and trying to understand my play style. It’s a process, and I know that I’m taking baby steps. But every step I take forward, is one that is facing change, instead of running away, I guess.

What I’m saying is that I want my clouds to finally clear and let my creativity to open up like it used to do; more steps towards writing. I’ve had so many ideas, but didn’t write them down or forgot how I wanted to start them. I have so many saved drafts, you guys would go crazy about how I haven’t finished it. Too many beginnings that I can’t figure out to connect to their respective endings.

I guess I just need time. Yeah, I just need time. Time tells no lies.

-J.E.